Lockdown Lycra®

As I bend sideways, I realise my body just won’t stretch that far. Lycra^® will though. Lycra is my friend: it doesn’t need ironing, it’s blended with cotton to produce bulge containing skinnies, and it’s the only time I can get away with wearing pink with orange.

Along with Lycra, Mr Motivator and Rosemary Conley have become my new gym buddies during the lockdown. I’ve become a master of the step-ball-change and the box-step. Shapes are thrown while pulling a few weights as my cat sleeps, oblivious to the creak of my knee joints and the splatters of sweat. If only I could do as good a cat stretch as him.

On non-keep-fit video day, it’s the cross-trainer. Handy when it’s raining and can be performed while watching my favourite box sets (but don’t have the sound up high when watching Normal People). Another quick word of advice: don’t cross-train to any Ibiza club classics; in some warped primaeval trigger, your heart, body and mind will keep in time with its 150 beats per minute. Cue lots of panting and more splatters of sweat on sleeping cat.

Then it's on to making a vegetarian lasagne using beans, lentils and more beans. Just advise your family that it will lead to the production of copious amounts of wind that would fill a fair few party balloons (warning: don’t consume before going on a cross-trainer – you won’t be able to hear any speech from your box sets because of your homemade brass band, but it will drown out the sex scenes in Normal People).

But the best exercise I like of all is lifting a book and a mug of tea; preferably in Lycra and accompanied by a slice of cake. I could that all day.

Photo © Paula Gilfillan. All Rights Reserved.